Zombie comics

Nicki Greenberg's totally awesome zombie comics will no doubt titillate all and of course add so much to this current theme of zombies...

Never Go to Bed Angry

Bluebird

Hand to Mouth

Not sure when this obsession with the undead will die in the arse... Stay tuned!

Best ever zombie film names

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies

I Eat Your Flesh

Corpses are Forever

Flight of the Living Dead: Uutbreak on a Plane

Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of
the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant,
Hellbound, Flesh-Eating Subhumanoid Zombified Living Dead, Part 3

Gory Gory Hallelujah!

Zombie emergency plans

It occurred to me the other night, after drinking a lot of Turkey Cola (Wild Turkey, not this blog, because that's not a liquid) that our house is in an immediate danger zone in the event of a zombie virus breakout. We desperately need a zombie emergency plan.

Over our backyard, a soulless inner city hospital looms.

I look up to the third and fourth floors of what may just be the infectious disease ward. The dark windows show no signs of human life. As the sun sets behind the grey building there is little visibility into the rooms; is someone watching us? 

A square of light appears in the third floor room closest to us and Brad settles in to watch the Cricket on some sick dude's TV, albeit from across the road and unbeknownst to said sick dude. Due to the mysterious curse on our house which has seen just about every appliance fuck up, we have no TV remote. And no one wants to turn on the tube in case we all sit down only to find out the volume needs adjusting.

As the last sliver of light disappears from our cement "backyard", Andrew Symonds vanishes mid-swing and Brad stands in protest. About to verbally assault (from a safe distance) the sick dude for killing the Cricket his expression changes to curiosity. 

Brad-"Did anyone see that?" 

Jamie-"Wha'?" 

B-"Prob nothing... Oh hold up. I think we got some naughty nurse action going on!"

Jen-"Really? Nah, you've just been spending too much time in the porn dungeon. I can't believe we found a porn dungeon in our house! Freaking sweet."

B-"I'm serious! She's full on pashing him! Hey, relax nursey. She's an aggressive little hussey!"

Esther-"She looks like she's eating him."

B-"I ate your mumma last night."

E-"No you didn't. You do realise you're saying that you went down on Jo."

B-"Shut up."

Jen slowly starts stepping back into the house, then lets out a shriek. The "nurse" looks up from its prey and launches itself toward the window. Desperately clawing at the window to get to us, bloodying up the glass, all the while its eyes fixed on Jen. 

It becomes painfully obvious to us with the pterodactyl-esque cries coming from the streets, that Melbourne is officially zombie-infested. And we are like fucking Sizzler for the hungry, crazed monsters fleeing from the hospital looking for a decent feed.

Thankfully we discussed this contingency. And we have a porn dungeon.

Hopefully this little story has illustrated why we must have the Zombie Emergency And Liability Outstanding Utility Sack, aka ZEALOUS. So far we feel it should contain:

- astronaut food and water (cos we may be in the dungeon for some time)

- selley's no more gaps (to seal us in the dungeon so that zombies can't get in and/or smell us out)

- flares (always come in handy in any horror movie)

- extraneous characters (sorry brad, but i think you're the first to die, but if you can find yourself a black person then he could take your place)

- liza minelli and tony barber records (for shaun of the dead styles showdowns)

What else do we need in our ZEALOUS? We need your input... please post suggestions by commenting.

 

Housewarming party draft

I started making this invitation for our housewarming party but in the end we decided we didn't want a theme. So it's a bit of a waste of wasted work time.

But Hipster Douffi (plural of doufus) are terribly amusing to all in the Turkey Cola house. And hopefully to you too, sitting there looking at your computer screen. Hopefully not peering out from behind a pair of ubiquitous wayfarers. And surely not wearing anything high waisted or acid wash (I mean what's next? Tencel?). And I know you didn't just bleach your mo' so you could look as awkward as your skinny legs in tight black jeans, so that you can sit in St Jerome's with all the other wayfaring douffi sipping obscure $12 beers and chain smoking Vogues!!!!

Well it looks like you might know a bit more about hipster douffi than we do! Perhaps you could help us fill in the blanks... what else do ironic fools wear?

n.b. if you didn't receive an invite to our housewarming and would like to come, please post a comment letting us know.

I did not invent the wheel I was the crooked spoke adjacent

Future Music Festival really sucked. And that's putting it politely. All the kids were wearing fluro and generally misbehaving. The world was hot. Not as hot as it is right now, but still. I got scared and had to leave a couple of times. On the plus side I got to see, listen to, meet and generally behave like the rabid fan I am in front of Mr Ian Mathias Bavitz, AKA Aes Rizzle, AKA Bazooka Tooth, AKA genius poet, AKA really, really fucking great emcee.
If you didn't know now you're informed. Gedintoit.
www.definitivejux.net

A new Turkey Cola family member

Turkey Cola would like to introduce Señor Müstaché.

Señor is a rotund cat that likes to hang out in our backyard, unperturbed by the presence of humans or other cats. He is muchos grande, but last night we saw him perched on the highest part of the fence, looking gallantly out into the night. I'm sure he bid us farewell with a shake of his fat head before soaring off, presumably to fight crime. I presume this because in my memory he's wearing a cape.

We're pretty sure he's the incarnation of Zorro. Or Antonio Banderas (on donuts) at the very least.

Watch this space for more Señor Müstaché escapades...

Sorority Brad

Votes are closed.



83% of you chose Daisy as Brad's Sorority Boys alter ego...



Hmmm...




wonder what that would look like?




...

How cool is this photo of Jamie? Looks like she's in a Coke Ad or something.

Another Gay Gay?

George Clooney has responded to last week's blog post:

"No I'm gay, gay."

Confused?

Could you be any gayer?

Simon just had an encounter with a teacher whose name is Gay Gay.

RnB Guilty Pleasures

Come on y'all. Interact!

I want you to help me make a CD called RnB Guilty Pleasures. Basically daggy RnB songs that you wouldn't play on a first date (or maybe you do and that's why you haven't had any 2nd dates), but to which you enjoy shaking your booty privately. Or when you're drunk with trusted company.

My first draft goes like this:

1. The new Usher song, Love In This Club ft. Young Jeezy

2. Stop the Music - Scribe ft. P-Money (I don't know if this can be classed as RnB, in fact it damn well isn't, but I saw him on So You Think You Can Dance the other night)

3. My Boo - Usher & Alicia Keys

4. Caught Up - Usher

5. Burn - Usher (my fav Usher xxx)

6. No Scrubs - TLC

7. Always On Time - Ja Rule & Ashanti (they look like siblings, and they're always singing about sexing each other)

8. Let's Get Married - Jagged Edge (definitely the Run DMC remix, the original is as disappointing as R Kelly's Ignition sans remix)

Please add your input via comments.

Maybe I should buy another Sprite. I'm pretty fucked up.

Last night we all went to the opening of Melbourne and Other Myths at the City Museum. Everyone should go to it. We got to see it and John Thwaites (remember him?) in the same night because he was opening it and I think he gives money to the City Museum. He made a joke about the Yarra and everyone in the room laughed. I liked Simon's animation.

Can you believe the star writer of the exhibition said that this isn't a very good blog and he doesn't want to read it again?

Goodbye cruel house

OK, voting has closed on the Big Brother rip off poll. Looks like 80% of you think that Esther should be evicted from the Turkey Cola house.

"Don't worry Esther. We were just playing. You can stay in the house."

"Yeah I know. I'm more upset about Gretel touching me."

One of these kids is not like the other ones...

Jen's mum gave her a pack of groceries last night. One of the items included was a 3 pack of ladies' handkerchiefs. Where was the man's hanky?

Perhaps I haven't explained the meaning of KappaLennyTurkeyCola Sorority House to whoever is reading this post. If anyone is reading this post.

Anyways. So Jamie, Jen and Esther are girls. But Brad is not. He is the sneaky boy living in the sorority house. Like a gender bender romcom, ie She's the Man or, more on the topic, Sorority Boys.

Brad really belongs to The Crofts Frat House, which is across the road and houses his 3 frat brothers Matt, Viney and Scotty. They may get up to things like stealing our bras from the clothesline (when we get one) or spying on our slumber parties. We might do things like put a red sock in with their washing so they all wear pink shirts to gridiron practice.

Which character would Brad be from Sorority Boys? Vote now (to your right).

The fun-loving blonde Adina


Barry "Seventh Heaven" Watson's character Daisy

The sensitive, plus-sized Roberta

4 days without hot water

I would just like everyone to know that Brad hasn't had a shower since Saturday morning.

p.s. The dates on this thing are yankee. actually writing this post on a Tuesday.

Missing - Hire Van License Plates

Looking for anyone who can come forward with information on the theft of a set of license plates stolen from a Thrifty hire van sometime between 9.06pm Saturday March 1st and 8.57am Sunday March 2nd.

The distraught vehicle hire company would be very grateful and may not fine us $31 if the plates are recovered promptly.

Turkey Cola thanks you for your cooperation.