It occurred to me the other night, after drinking a lot of Turkey Cola (Wild Turkey, not this blog, because that's not a liquid) that our house is in an immediate danger zone in the event of a zombie virus breakout. We desperately need a zombie emergency plan.
Over our backyard, a soulless inner city hospital looms.
I look up to the third and fourth floors of what may just be the infectious disease ward. The dark windows show no signs of human life. As the sun sets behind the grey building there is little visibility into the rooms; is someone watching us?
A square of light appears in the third floor room closest to us and Brad settles in to watch the Cricket on some sick dude's TV, albeit from across the road and unbeknownst to said sick dude. Due to the mysterious curse on our house which has seen just about every appliance fuck up, we have no TV remote. And no one wants to turn on the tube in case we all sit down only to find out the volume needs adjusting.
As the last sliver of light disappears from our cement "backyard", Andrew Symonds vanishes mid-swing and Brad stands in protest. About to verbally assault (from a safe distance) the sick dude for killing the Cricket his expression changes to curiosity.
Brad-"Did anyone see that?"
Jamie-"Wha'?"
B-"Prob nothing... Oh hold up. I think we got some naughty nurse action going on!"
Jen-"Really? Nah, you've just been spending too much time in the porn dungeon. I can't believe we found a porn dungeon in our house! Freaking sweet."
B-"I'm serious! She's full on pashing him! Hey, relax nursey. She's an aggressive little hussey!"
Esther-"She looks like she's eating him."
B-"I ate your mumma last night."
E-"No you didn't. You do realise you're saying that you went down on Jo."
B-"Shut up."
Jen slowly starts stepping back into the house, then lets out a shriek. The "nurse" looks up from its prey and launches itself toward the window. Desperately clawing at the window to get to us, bloodying up the glass, all the while its eyes fixed on Jen.
It becomes painfully obvious to us with the pterodactyl-esque cries coming from the streets, that Melbourne is officially zombie-infested. And we are like fucking Sizzler for the hungry, crazed monsters fleeing from the hospital looking for a decent feed.
Thankfully we discussed this contingency. And we have a porn dungeon.
Hopefully this little story has illustrated why we must have the Zombie Emergency And Liability Outstanding Utility Sack, aka ZEALOUS. So far we feel it should contain:
- astronaut food and water (cos we may be in the dungeon for some time)
- selley's no more gaps (to seal us in the dungeon so that zombies can't get in and/or smell us out)
- flares (always come in handy in any horror movie)
- extraneous characters (sorry brad, but i think you're the first to die, but if you can find yourself a black person then he could take your place)
- liza minelli and tony barber records (for shaun of the dead styles showdowns)
What else do we need in our ZEALOUS? We need your input... please post suggestions by commenting.
2 comments:
how will you breathe in the porn dungeon if you're sealed in?
i'll suggest a bottle of tequila (or wild turkey, as you like), and some cyanide or sleeping pills, cos you're screwed.
For your dungeon you need newspaper clippings dated exactly 20 years ago, which tell the story of a zombie invasion. There will, of course, be a hero who saved the world. That person will then come to your porn dungeon to help you (the new breed of zombie-fighters) to reclaim earth!
Also, in case Brad isn't the first to die, you will need condoms coz he'll end up shagging all the girls before having a stake plunged through his back while mid-thrust...
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